45

 In the days leading up to my 45th birthday, I fell into a funk.  For some reason, my mind kept reminding me of some of my worst birthday memories.  I know I've had many happy, fun birthdays surrounded by people who care deeply about me.  But I could only think about the darker ones.  It has been a minute (a little more than 1.8 million minutes, to be more exact) since I've written, so I thought it might be a good time to get back to it.  Maybe if I try hard and be intentional, I can remember some of the good times too.

6

I don't remember this one, but it's one of the few birthdays that I'm fortunate enough to have some pictures to look back on.  I'm wearing a He-Man birthday hat, unwrapping a variety of gifts that include a wrestling figure of Hillbilly Jim, my favorite Matchbox cars, and what appears to be a toy tommy gun.  I'm pretty sure one of those Matchbox cars is responsible for a scar on my poor sister's face.  According to my Mom, my sister was torturing me one day and I finally lost it.  I whipped a die-cast fire truck at her face and gave her a pretty big gash.  I still feel pretty awful for it, even though I don't really remember doing it.  What I do remember about some of these early childhood birthdays is that my grandmother made the most amazing cakes!  She had a real talent for baking and decorating cakes.  I still remember two of my favorites: A carousel, complete with all the horses and carriages, a perfect portrait of He-Man, and an awesome off-road 4x4 that I think resembled an old Bronco.

9

I remember this one well.  My sister and I had gotten a slip-n-slide and my dad had us take a break to get the grill fired up.  It was one of those common clamshell-type charcoal grills you can pick up today for around $20 at Walmart.  Not very sturdy, but it got the job done.  We piled it full of charcoal, doused it in lighter fluid, and threw a twisted bit of burning newspaper into the grill as it roared to life with a resounding WHOOOMPH!  That was always my favorite part.  While the grill heated up, my sister and I went back for a few more passes on the slide as my dad watched from the shade of a nearby tree.  He eventually announced that it was time to open the rest of my birthday presents.  My sister sprang up and ran towards the house with me trailing closely behind.  She knew where my gifts were hidden.  I think my mom may have been there too.  Just through the back door, she stopped at the pantry.  She grabbed the pantry door handle, looked back at me with a mischievous grin, and threw the door open.  You know that mysterious golden glow from the briefcase in Pulp Fiction?  That's how I remember the moment I saw it: A brand-new golden yellow Eagle Claw fishing rod, equipped with a matching Zebco 404 reel.  My jaw dropped in amazement!  As I reached towards the cabinet, I heard my father scream: "NOOOOO!"  It stopped me dead in my tracks.  We turned and saw that he was furious.  His wheelchair had gotten hung up on some tree roots or something as we rushed into the house, and it slowed him down just enough to miss the big surprise.  He whipped his wheelchair around in disgust, taking out both front legs of the grill as it spectacularly collapsed.  My sister and I glanced at each other and realized we'd better go try to calm him down.  As I walked out the back door, I stepped on something and nearly stumbled.  The arch of my foot was immediately consumed in searing pain that began quickly moving up my leg.  I fell to the ground, cradling my foot in my hands.  I had stepped on a white-hot briquette with my bare foot.  I hadn't noticed that all of the charcoal had spilled out onto the ground when my dad took out the grill.  The burn on the bottom of my foot developed quickly into a huge blister.  I had to walk on the outside of my foot to keep it from touching the ground.  I hated my dad for it.  I still do.  I hoped that he felt 100% responsible.  He later told us he was upset that we didn't wait for him; that he missed my surprise.  Holy crap, dude - we were just a couple of excited kids.  After he cooled down, he told me we were going on an overnight fishing trip to nearby Anacoco Lake.  I can still remember limping around the lake that night, trying to make the best out of it while my dad and the buddy he brought with us got tanked.

21

My first legal drink!  My dad and I planned a fun trip to the Mississippi Gulf Coast for my first visit to a casino and a day of shark fishing.  By this time, my Dad had given up drinking, but he didn't hesitate to take me out for my first legal drink.  I remember it was blue and the waitress called it a "Happy Birthday Mother#ucker".  After I finished it, we headed to a blackjack table.  It was a $5 table and I had $100 to gamble.  I was excited about the prospect of free drinks and wondered how many I could milk out of that $100.  Before the waitress got back with my second drink, I was broke.  I looked at my dad in disbelief and he just smiled.  He said "If you stop now, I guarantee it will be the cheapest lesson you ever get in gambling."  He was right.  I never really gambled again, aside from throwing the occasional $5 on black or red on a roulette table if I happened to walk by one.  My dad didn't know how much I was drinking at this point in my life, so I agreed to head back to our hotel without even the slightest buzz.  I couldn't wait to get back home to really party!  

25

I got absolutely hammered on the eve of my 25th birthday.  It had been almost a year since I totaled my car while driving under the influence.  My girlfriend at the time woke me up with some presents, a cake, and a surprise trip to Hershey Park.  She was a saint for sticking with me even though I was nearly at rock bottom with my drinking at the time.  I remember my hangover was horrible.  I absolutely did not want to go to Hershey Park.  I just wanted to go back to sleep.  But I knew she'd be crushed if I ruined her plans.  This was one of the few times in my drinking that I was considerate of someone else.  The only thing I remember about the park that day was some insane ride called the Crazy Mouse.  I do not recommend riding that one with a hangover.  I didn't think I was going to make it.

40

Okay, 41, because COVID pushed these plans out a year.  When I was a kid, I remember watching a lot of fishing shows.  I remember one show where this dude and his guide were fly fishing in the flats off the coast of Florida.  They were catching huge, majestic, silver tarpon.  I made a promise to myself that I'd do that one day.  That day was July 19th, 2021, and it was my daughter, not me, who reeled in the monster tarpon.  This was and will probably be the best birthday memory I'll ever have.  To see my daughter living out my own childhood dream and to be able to make that happen for her was truly a blessing.  We made so many memories that week, from a photo shoot with our sweet (rental) Charger in the parking lot of a random Winn-Dixie to snorkeling in the keys and playing giant chess at the Sunset Inn.  Oh, and we stopped at Disney World for a bit before we came home!

45 

I don't understand why my mind wants to remember the bad stuff when I have many more joyful memories to be thankful for.  When I woke up this morning, I decided to gift myself a fishing license so that I could head to the river over lunch and just marinate on things, trying to figure out why I was in such a funk.  On my way to the office, my phone started blowing up.  It was messages from friends wishing me a happy birthday.  My mood instantly changed.  Please don't underestimate the power of a thoughtful message.  Even if it feels routine or obligatory, tell that friend to have an awesome day.  Let them know you're thinking about them, because I promise it might just turn their day, week, or even month around.  We all need bright spots in our lives, so be a bright spot for a friend or a stranger.  

We went to lunch and celebrated my birthday with another colleague - her birthday is a few days after mine.  She even shared her birthday cake with me later in the day and promised we'd be birthday buddies from now-on.  After almost everyone else had left for the day, another coworker stopped by to wish me a very heartfelt happy birthday.  I didn't think this person liked me very much.  I worry a lot about what people think - it's one of my character defects.  When they smiled at me with kind eyes and said "happy birthday", it meant so much to me.  There wasn't anyone else around.  They weren't putting on a show.  They simply took the time before going home to share some thoughtful kindness with me.  I decided to go fishing before heading home, but I spent that time reflecting on all of the people in my life who care about me and what a blessing they all are.  When I got home, I hugged on my family, adored their cards, then we all devoured my celebratory ice cream cake.  45 was amazing!